I have been trying to determine the best way to approach this for a while. It is riddled with uncomfortable underlying racial connotations and it's not the easiest thing for me to be public about. However, after hearing countless examples of this persons predatory and abusive behavior from my peers, my clients, and personally being the target of this individual's racial -microaggressions and obsessive stalking for multiple years, I now feel an obligation to share my experiences more openly with the larger BDSM community.
While I will not be naming any names today, one does not have to look too far to figure out the 'Domme' who I am referring to. Abusive people are able to thrive by manipulating others into isolation and silence, even gaslighting and playing the victim themselves. I’m all too aware of how these individuals operate, as I’ve unfortunately dealt with many over the course of my life and have on in more personal contexts had to advocate for the victims of these people.
I will be simply sharing the facts surrounding my experiences with this person, in order to serve as a warning to others who might interact with them, and to encourage anyone else who has been the target of this abuse to speak out and know that you are not alone. There are MANY others who feel the same way that you do. This person is not respected in our community, merely tolerated, as many don't speak out because they don't want to be on the end of what this person does. I hear what's said in whispers. I have over the course of years tried to support and provide an understanding outlet for the large volume of individuals this person has targeted. They manipulate and coerce others into silence claiming that the one-for-all solidarity of the BDSM industry should excuse them from predatory behavior towards marginalized groups and other Dommes. They take advantage of people’s empathy and lure them into letting their guard down by playing the victim and isolate new targets from the stories of formers.
I have many horror stories of various themes about this person. The targets of this person are more than I can count on my fingers. They target vulnerable individuals, groom them and isolate them before switching on them to abuse in isolation from former targets, and outside visibility. This person also sets up a false dichotomy that there is no support and no one will believe you if someone says no to consensual harm, speaks up or walks away. Of the usual targets are new Dommes, those who are less connected or having just left an abusive relationship, and in particular femmes,transgender individuals or those of color who have more quite or subtle dispositions.
They masquerade as a champion for the oppressed, while they harbor deep internal prejudice and a superiority complex towards people of certain ethnicities. This is a toxic person. In spite of their outward persona of being an anti-discriminatory, anti-racist, ally to marginalized groups, they have proven themselves to quite the opposite. My mother is black. I was born in predominantly black country. I’ve grown up with racism and have for the most part accepted that it is simply an unfortunate reality of life, that which I have largely learned to ignore.
One specific incident with this person was particularly disturbing. I was personally invited to this persons location without knowledge that it was also prior to a session of theirs. They made effort to disclose to me they had a collaboration coming up and made emphasis to not they disclosed that the sub had requested “no black people” in the session. This person was happy to oblige to his racial needs and when I showed no significant negative reaction she up the ante by smirking at me and telling me how she was "picked" by these men. This was obviously a set up designed to get a reaction and while I never gave the reaction this person wanted I was disgusted and dumbfounded.
Seeing that was highly painful and disappointing for me. I wanted to doubt my own eyes and ears. I tried to convince myself it wasn't real. It didn't make sense with the woke facade this person was wearing. Was I really duped into feeling safe and comfortable because of that? The strongest most supportive people who empowered me within my upbringing, whose personalities I embodied, my role models, where black women. I would be dammed if I were to ever support such bigotry. This experience with that person was gross.
Modern prejudice is almost never overt, it's covert, done indirectly or in secret. Racial microaggressions come with the dynamic of invisibility. The denial of individual racism is commonplace. I have had some very direct personal experiences with it. It's trashy and extremely unnecessary.
There is a long history of black artists having their work exploited and repackaged under a “more acceptable” white image. It is a very common and well known manifestation of racial aggression that is designed to keep down certain creative people of color with very little in
protection against it. People who experience this covert form of racism are forced into odd positions of trying to prove and defend themselves, having their experience minimized, etc. There is a lot of material written about this and I have provided at least one link to on the subject here.
I do think that people who are educated in such matters, are aware of the historical connotations of those things and know that derogatory actions may reopen a lot of old racial trauma in some people. To someone who isn't on the end of that experience it may be hard for them to see, it may be easy to try to minimize because they themselves don't think that way and can't imagine doing that to someone themselves. And even more if someone hasn't experienced that themselves.
Prior to this incident and for several years after, this person has plagiarized, mimicked and copied my work on countless occasions. To the clients who point this out to me on nearly a monthly basis: Yes, I am well aware that one of my industry peers regularly grifts and copies me. In every trade or profession it is commonplace to mirror those around you who have been successful. You observe, you learn and you blend what you have learned with your
own style. I am aware that I am a role model to some people. I would not be who I am without the great Dommes who came before me as well. Imitation is the highest form of flattery after all. This is well and good, however this person’s actions go far beyond the norm.
I've continuously had parts of my content copied and pasted word for word. Things are pivoted to and changed in short order when I do. In other contexts my content is often paraphrased to skirt a DMCA notice. When I highlight that I am “an artist of multi-talents”, this person pivots to branding themselves as a “multidisciplinary artist”. When I market my dungeon as “a set of rotating installations and it's bizarre works”, they start talking about “bizarre art installations”. I have the third party timestamps to prove it. Perhaps I will share them soon. I am not saying by no means the only Domme who has dealt with this grifting or word for word copy and pasting. I have heard of and seen incredibly brazen examples from others. I tend to be a particularly frequent target of it and variety of other microaggressions as since I was outspoken about racial bigotry of this person and also protecting the identities of others who where dealing with harm from this person. I am a high value target and thus this person partakes on more microaggressions to try to get me to be quite. When taken into consideration with the larger racial prejudice this person has displayed, it becomes clear that this is something far more sinister.
This person has been quite malicious towards me. I suffer from C-PTSD as a result of extreme violence and I made the mistake of confiding in this person about my trauma. They have regularly mocked my disabilities and weaponized my ptsd triggers. When confronted, they attempted to gaslight me and play the victim (to those who are experiencing this currently, this person frequently uses a common manipulative tactic known as DARVO).
When it became clear this was a toxic person and definitely not someone who had my best interest in mind, I removed myself from them. Their reaction was to get enraged completely copy and paste the entire swaths of an older version of my website, to make a strange 2nd
catfishing site of me, harass my work number, this person rallied up people because it was offensive I had remove myself from that. This person harassed me in a variety of other passive ways, pursued me and did things to try to cox me to commit suicide when I was in a very vulnerable state.
I have long since removed myself from this person. Years ago. And yet, rather than getting the hint, they have evolved an obsessive stalking of me on various places online. I have simply ignored and refused to acknowledge it for a long time. Years after I have cut off contact from this person, they have remained highly focused on getting a reaction from me. I have had personal information about me revealed inappropriately to clients, and had to my awareness certain information seeked out about me despite zero contact and this individual being aware I do not want contact. I've been smeared for not being around it, I've had catty crazy nonsense done to me. As a grown woman I've had rather bad attempts to bully me into hiding my content or feel bad about my disabilities to get under my skin somehow. To show this person can do whatever this person wants to me without my consent and "stick it to me", reopen wounds around my race, and commit to the idea that rebranding as white is cool with a false facade of being woke to cover up the shame. I would not be here had I not taken even bit of money I had and invested it into getting very intense care. This was no small matter. This only illustrates how unsafe and predatory this individual is.
What people didn't know, is that when I was around this person I in secret was self harming, in away people wouldn't see because of my very close proximity to almost weekly
microaggressions, racial bigotry in a variety of forms and expectation not talk about it and an expectation to support this persons facade else deal with harassment for years after. This Person embark on non-consensual and quite vile form pf psychological abuse based in racial hate and I had first hand accounts of this persons obsessive stewing over and stalking a slew of former femmes they had targeted using them as examples. This was for a long time a very dark and even embarrassing part of life I tried to keep separate, away from my career, and offline.
I found support at that time. I got into therapy with someone who specifically helped people with racial trauma and I've committed to being very outspoken against this persons incredibly harmful and predatory behavior. The amazing woman I met helped me focus more on helping me recognize what represented excellence as a woman of color which was my incredible volume of talents. She helped me lean into it and helped me use it as a foundation in my work which is what you see now. So of course this individual who was strangely racial to me, who is so hyper-fixated on "sticking it to me"somehow would target the very things I used to build back up myself after such gross experiences. It is difficult to be vulnerable, especially online, where you're open to peoples judgement and likely to just go through the experience of being told to hide it again. I instead absolved to find communities that I feel safer and supported in that are not so easy for strange racial things to occur in in private. I stay somewhat protective in my profession nowadays. What I keep online is the tip of an iceberg so to speak and I like to keep it that way.
In reality I'm just tired. Prejudice has been a subtle part of my life experience I never asked for. I don't want to be constantly reminded of about my race. I don't want to think about others race. You're pressured into thinking you're not allowed to be to be outraged by those things, and I have for years been really suppressed from speaking about it....and naturally anyone called out on that will try to save their image and never be accountable. That is what I expect. Instead just continue and probably learn that this is okay to do to others. So on and so forth. Some people use the guise of BDSM and being tops to cover up what is abusive behaviors because it's easy to dismiss when people react to it and it can be allowed to run rampant unchecked. But this is my response to people who have criticized my silence on the topic.
Here's the thing though. This person in reality has no power over my life. This person isn't
fooling anyone, they actually benefit my business by drawing attention to my strong points. It's to me nonsensical as I'm just very obvious about what I do. A lot of my work is out there enough already. I don't want clients who think only in terms of my color as a "disqualification", This person can only mimic, talk the talk, but that's it. So why should I be bothered by that nonsense? If it's meant to make me angry, get under my skin, "stick it to me",
it's failing quite miserably. In this embarking of trying take advantage of societal bias and racial advantage this person by trying to rebrand everything I do under a white image it's failing rather laughably. The energy is off. Someone can try but something just won't look quit right. The proofs won't be their. Things just don't fit the words and I don't operate on that type of energy. I still have my principles and that's what set me apart from hate. I can address this. I can talk about it. And I am because I am not condoning it. But really all it is is validation and proof. I know what it is, what its behind it, I know my truth and that is that.
My job is about what I deliver in kink, how I can create something memorable and skilled. Engaging with bigoted behavior doesn't help with that. I won't respond with being that bothered by someones internalized hate or little "gothcha I can still do that". Instead I focus on my skills,being good at what I do. I don't have time for bigotry. I hate even taking the time or brainpower to write about it. Because it the end it's their obsession with me, years of obsessing, trying to get a reaction. This person needs my attention.
This tells me, as a person who is extremely critical of my own work all the time, that I am doing something incredible. External validation of that sort says something. If someone has to uses me as a role model despite a massive amount of hate and racial prejudice I consider that a pretty dam good indicator I must be doing something incredible.
They can have internalized prejudice towards me all they want. If you think this person can recreate what I am in white and you believe that then go to there not here. If you know who it is don't bother. In fact do the opposite. Let this person think what they do is right, let them gaslight it, let them attempt to save face. Let them act like what they've done to so many femmes is okay. Because they only make a fool of themselves. They have no ability or originality other than to just resort to mirroring. I don't need to be told about it. I ask please stop sending me screenshots, telling me about it or emailing me about it. Both personal and professional contacts. There is a reason I don't want to read or look at that stuff while this person is very in my business all the time. At most it gives me a laugh and helps me see something that's good about what I'm doing but I am not too invested in this person.
I do encourage subs specifically to be discerning about stolen work but that's about it. A lack in creative integrity is an indicator of other things. People who are truly creative don't need to
operate that way as they feel compelled to create their own and are capable of it. Lack of creative integrity shows laziness that leaks into other areas of a persons work. If you like giving patronage to stolen work and blowing up the ego of someone who does it with racially negative context, then do that. Originals are always superior to a knockoff. Because knock offs haven't had to go through all the troubleshooting, the knowledge and learning and don't know how to fix it when it breaks or doesn't go exactly as planned. It's hollow. People who can't see the difference are just like the men who spend time catfishes role playing as their favorite Dommes online.
Because I have had some other ongoing concerns with aggressive forms of stalking, trying to get my location for example through clients in the past, I discourage clients from disclosing information about my location, my dungeons space and various identifying details to prevent more nefarious forms of harassment.
At this time I have spiritually removed myself completely to this person with the support I have around me. I have removed myself from any effects this person can have on me, any anger I have experienced at the things that have happened to me and the seeds of hatred this person has tried to plant in me when I was at a very vulnerable point in my private life. I have transmuted those things into love and that is really all you can do. I have already accepted if certain things escalate I will have to find legal recourse as unfortunately it is a lot worse than what I am choosing to disclose publicly. If it stopped I would likely just take everything down and stuff it back underneath the rug where it belongs and put all of those things far behind me. However that is not the case, given this persons personality and need for non-consensual harm around my racial identity.
Instead I resolve to to funneling all of that into something better to transmute it away from myself. After all the essence of my domination is doing just that. I am transforming, in a healthy way, the shadows within the psyche into something pleasing and naturally I can even take unpleasantries of my own mind and turn them into something productive and beautiful. Things can be turn into pleasure, freedom, and a release that lends to an enjoyable happiness. This person has performed a mental bondage on themselves where the only position they are in is facing me and focusing on me and trying to cause harm, stress and "stick it to me" with the limited tools they have available. A Prodominatrix you would think would desire to release and remove those bonds as the skill is there. That was what I chose to do with those negative experiences.